you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
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