Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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