I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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