Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
