I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
