I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
