My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
