I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
try to milk me bitch
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
