So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
