i just wanna soil my oats bro
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
