Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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