Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
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