Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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