Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
