I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
