Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
