Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
