a queef is a wish your heart makes.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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