Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Sorry my hands just texted you
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
