Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
