Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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