I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
how drunk are you?
Several
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
