Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
