Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
