i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
