tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
