70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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