Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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