she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Bring me that man meat
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
