i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
