Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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