me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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