Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize