Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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