I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I stole a fireplace last night.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
