just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
