Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
