my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
