i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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