Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
