I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
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