so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
