Your face is a jimmy john
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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