I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
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