It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
