a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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