im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
