I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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