did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Randomize
