He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize