Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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