I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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