I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
it was like eating out sand paper
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
