Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
