Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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