I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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