so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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