This dress was meant to end up on your floor
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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