i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Idk if I want to put a bra on
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize