we're blogging at a bar
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
don't judge my taste in strippers
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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