Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Randomize
