Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
