he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I love you.
Bad choice
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
