She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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