I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Randomize
