Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize