A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
We had sex on a dog bed..
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
